A Framework for Mindful Communication in Difficult Situations
Have you ever hit send on an email you wrote in a heated moment, only to regret it later? Don’t worry. You’re not alone.
Today we communicate by text more than ever in human history; emails, texts, DMs, and Tweets have become our everyday social currency.
Under any circumstances, these channels of communication lose the richness of body language and vocal tone, while clarity of intent and meaning suffers.
Take, for example, sarcasm. It’s never lost in the translation from a text to the voice in your head, is it?
Often, we have to navigate difficult situations with others through this imperfect channel. How do you make sure your communication is clear, intentional, and accessible when the stakes are highest?
A few years ago a friend shared with me a simple framework that he had started using “to communicate better with others in difficult situations.” He told me that, as a professional and networker, it completely changed the way he wrote to people, and greatly improved his efficacy in written communication.
I started using it. Not just for difficult communication, but probably 90% of the emails I write. And to prepare for difficult conversations.
As I developed the base for Be Mindful’s curriculum module on mindful communication, I realized that this framework also provides an anchor for staying “we-first” (a primary condition for mindful communication, according to Susan Gillis Chapman, author of “The Five Keys to Mindful Communication”) as difficult situations arise.
Difficult situations can come with strong, and maybe difficult, emotional responses. Such responses can block our sense of the importance of compassion and connection to others. And we don’t always have time to wait until a red flag of anger and affliction changes to a cautious yellow, or open green, to respond to an emerging challenge.
I don’t know who first came up with this, nor can I find it in a quick glance at Google. So, with apologies to the original creator, here it is:
Appreciation. Begin with an expression of appreciation for the person to whom you’re communicating. Thank the person or people for something they are doing or have done. Alternatively, I often use an expression of well-wishing as a sign that I appreciate this person or people and care about their happiness.
New Information. Here, introduce relevant facts, opinions and beliefs that the person(s) with whom you are communicating that help create a shared understanding of your perspectives on the situation and what they are informed by. Be careful to separate facts, opinions, and beliefs, and identify them as such.
Request. What do you see that the other(s) could contribute to the situation to continue moving forward with the good of all in mind, given the new information? What do you need to be able to continue participating together?
Offer. What are you willing to contribute to continue moving forward with the good of all in mind? It doesn’t have to be something tangible; it could be things like availability, skills, expertise, time, friendship, transparency, honesty, compassion.
Admittedly, in practice, when I’m pissed, I just puke it all down on the page, venom and all. I give voice to my frustration and make sure the things that are most important don’t get lost in formality of the process.
I notice the request almost always comes out first.
So I edit and reorganize. My perspective broadens. My anxiety declines. I become more compassionate. The venom dissolves. The message becomes clearer. A way through comes into view.
The editing process gives me a chance to reconnect to what’s most important to me, not just what is frustrating, and gives me the opportunity to focus on something other than my stream of consciousness.This framework offers a way to stay connected with others and helps ensure clarity when we’re under hijack, when compassion may be out of reach in the moment.
This framework does not require fakeness or dishonesty, unless you honestly don’t care about other people, at which point there is another conversation that we can have about a mindfulness practice!
In fact, I’ve found over the years of using this method that it produces direct, informative, we-first, and forward-looking communication.
And, it opens the door for the others with whom we are trying to navigate a difficult situation to engage in discussion in such a way that helps them feel less threatened, and therefore better able to maintain their sense of safety and connection, and therefore, stay in touch with their highest, most-connected selves.
In other words, they won’t shut down and shut you out, taking things from bad to worse.
This isn’t my opinion. We know this from neuroscience.
In his 2013 book “The Social Neuroscience of Education,” Dr. Louis Cozolino highlights study after study that indicates if you want someone to stay engaged, give them interesting, relevant content in an environment where they feel safe.
So, the first two sections, appreciation and new information, always come in that order. They establish safe connection and present relevant information.
Sometimes the offer and request get flipped. Sometimes they are blended. It depends on the situation.
Often times, I include in the offer another expression of appreciation or gratitude.
Most of the time, everybody wins. The group stays more resilient and engaged, and we are able to keep our eyes on the ball together without getting bogged down in confusion and frustration.
There is, unquestionably in my experience, a significant return on the investment of patience and time this practice requires.
I hope it helps you communicate mindfully in the difficult situations you encounter!
